


winter break

by gurobaby



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Break up sex, Crying, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, M/M, Making Out, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurobaby/pseuds/gurobaby
Summary: and i haven't seen you since last winter breakand i know you hate how that went





	winter break

 

_you say_

_“i’d best be going cause it’s getting late"_

_and i say_

_“why don’t i walk you home cause it’s on the way?”_

“jeno… i’d better go…” jaemin mumbles, pulling away from jeno’s side where he’s been leaning against for the entire last half hour. he didn’t _mean_ to – it only reminded him of all the late nights at the library, falling asleep with his head tucked onto jeno’s shoulder because they’d been there for _hours_ and jeno was _still_ studying. jeno always offered to take jaemin home, of course, like the good boyfriend he was, but jaemin, like the stubborn boyfriend he was, refused to leave his side, whining about how lonely he’d be while jeno laughed quietly as him. he couldn’t help it though. when jeno found him in the library, alone at a table for four, he had barely waited for jaemin to say yes before settling down into the chair next to him and scooting as close to jaemin as he could. jaemin was tense for a while, but jeno let him take his time to relax, pulling out his phone and playing some game that he had always been addicted to. jaemin used to love watching him play it, leaning over jeno’s side so he could see better. the position was still so familiar, so comfortable. too familiar. but he and jeno weren’t together anymore, and his spot against jeno’s body wasn’t _his_ anymore.

“hey– ” jeno starts, grabbing jaemin’s wrist as he stands up, “why don’t i walk you home? it’s right on the way. i don’t mind.”

jaemin kind of wants to cry at that, he’s been on the verge of tears this whole time. it was too fucking soon for jeno to be acting this comfortable around him again. he _knows_ jeno doesn’t mind, just like how he _knows_ he still wants jeno more than anything and he _knows_ that if he’s around jeno for one more minute he might not be able to resist the urge to kiss him anymore. he still wants jeno so so bad but jeno doesn’t want him, not like that. not anymore.

for some reason though, he finds himself saying yes.

 

_but the last time that we made love_

_you left in tears_

_so this time_

_you’re wondering how to leave it here_

the walk to jaemin’s house is quiet, jaemin not knowing how to break the silence and jeno not wanting to upset jaemin too much. he can tell he’s having a hard time meeting jeno’s eyes. jeno tries anyway, making random off-handed comments about the constellations he can see and about how he’s going to really start working on fixing up his car soon. he doesn’t wait for any responses.

when they get to jaemin’s door, jaemin fumbles to get his keys out of his pocket. jeno watches him quietly until he notices a small orange figure attached to jaemin’s keychain. he can’t help but crack a smile at that, remembering how happy jaemin was when jeno gave him the ryan figurine keychain a couple weeks after they’d started dating. it was the first gift he’d given jaemin, and he’d honestly thought jaemin had lost it a while ago.

“you still have that?” he asks, leaning against the door jaemin’s trying to open.

“of course i do nono.” jaemin freezes as soon his old nickname for jeno leaves his lips. he hasn’t called him that since the breakup, that awful day last winter break when jeno told him he didn’t think jaemin was happy enough with him and they made love for the last time. jaemin had still been crying hours after jeno left.

jaemin manages to unfreeze himself and get the door open, murmuring a “’night jeno, thanks for walking me back” before trying to step through the door, waiting awkwardly for jeno to turn away and walk down the steps. if he’s being honest, he’s not sure if he’s going to make it inside before he starts crying. jeno won’t leave though.

“nana– ” jeno says gently, turning jaemin’s face toward him carefully, forcing him to look at him. there are tears starting to well in jaemin’s eyes.

“don’t touch me.” jaemin whispers, barely able to get the words out. he’s trying so hard not to cry.

“baby…” jeno trails off, running the back of his hand against jaemin’s cheek. jaemin bites back a sob.

“stop it, jeno.” jaemin says, a little louder this time, though his voice shakes. “you can’t do this. we can’t– i can’t. it’s over, you ended it.”

“baby… baby, i’m sorry– i… i’m sorry. i just…” he doesn’t know what to say; jaemin knows he doesn’t. the tears are running down his face now, and jeno feels his heart breaking into a million tiny little pieces. he doesn’t know how to fix this, not as a friend. not as an ex-boyfriend. the only way he knows to comfort jaemin is by kissing him. so he does.

 

_in my mind_

_we’re in my bed_

_and i’m pulling your sweater over your head_

somehow they end up in jaemin’s bed, a place jeno is too familiar being in and jaemin is too familiar seeing him in. jaemin’s crying less, kind of, reduced to small sniffles inbetween pants and groans as jeno’s tongue traces patterns inside his mouth. jaemin is so _pliable_ under jeno, and jaemin hates himself for it. jeno knows every single inch of jaemin’s body, every sensitive spot and he indulges himself in the ways he can make jaemin hum with pleasure. he’s missed having jaemin under him.

before he knows it, jeno’s pulling away from jaemin and pulling jaemin's sweater over his head, smiling a little as jaemin lifts his arms obediently. jaemin isn’t quite satisfied, though. he wants to feel jeno’s chest against his. he tugs at the bottom of jeno’s tshirt and mumbles “off,” and jeno smirks and obliges. jaemin feels his heart flutter as he runs his hands over jeno’s exposed chest.

they kiss more, they kiss so much they have to take breaks here and there to catch their breath before diving back into each other. jeno pulls jaemin onto his lap and places open mouthed kisses along his collar bone, smiling against his clavicle when jaemin digs his heels into jeno’s back and cries out. jaemin starts crying harder as he starts to rock gently against jeno’s hips, trying to deal with the hardness between them while trying not to think about how this might be the last time they ever do this. he doesn’t know if he’ll be more hurt if it is or if it isn’t.

 

_it’s magnetic isn’t it_

_the sense of something beneath the surface when you’re lying on thin ice_

_just a little bit masochistic_

jaemin’s the one that finally reaches between them and tries to unbutton jeno’s jeans, but his hands are shaking too much. jeno gently wraps his hand around jaemin’s wrist for the second time that night and looks jaemin in the eyes as he asks, “are you sure?” jaemin nods, but jeno won’t finish what jaemin’s started until jaemin manages to choke out a whisper of a _“please.”_ so jeno kisses him harder and moves his hand from jaemin’s wrist to his zipper.

 

_a tentative ellipse_

_the parting of your lips and the ache in your eyes_

_but i think i’m gonna kiss you_

jaemin still hasn’t been able to stop crying, and when jeno finally _finally_ pushes into him, he lets out a sob. jeno’s arms hold him above jaemin as jaemin shakes under him. jaemin wanted to be on his stomach so jeno wouldn’t see him crying – he knows it makes jeno sad, even though jeno knows he wants this _so so bad_ – but jeno whispered “i want to see you, baby,” and jaemin can’t deny jeno anything he asks for.

jaemin tries hard to stay quiet, but he can’t. he loves this too much. he loves _jeno_ too much. he just wants to be good for jeno, and he wants jeno to love him for it. he wants jeno to hold him when they finish and whisper into his ear how much he loves him, like he used to. it’s all wishful thinking, though. he knows jeno still cares about him but he also knows jeno isn’t one to get back into a dead relationship. he knows that jeno thinks he’s a good fuck, and that’s why he’s still here. even if what they’re doing right now _is_ making love, he can’t bring himself to call it that. he whimpers and lets out quiet moans as jeno sucks along his jaw and neck. he’s so overwhelmed by emotions and by how _good_ he feels but how much he _hurts_ at the same time, and after one particularly hard thrust from jeno he can’t stop himself from crying out _“i love you,” _his voice cracking. jeno doesn’t respond, just nips at jaemin’s ear as jaemin rambles on, filling the air with endless “i love you”s and cries of his name.__

____

 

____

_despite what we both know_

____

_this is the love that we won’t get right_

____

after jeno has cleaned the both of them up, he places a still shaking jaemin neatly under the covers and kisses him lightly on the forehead. he turns the lights off in jaemin’s bedroom and makes his way downstairs. jaemin manages to wait until he hears the click of the front door closing behind jeno before he starts crying again.

____

 

____

_still if you said that you wanted_

____

_i know i’ll always have one more try_

____

**Author's Note:**

> based on winterbreak by muna. it's a really beautiful song.


End file.
